I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
