Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
