Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize