fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
