I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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