after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize