You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
