Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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