what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
