I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
