Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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