you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
