I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
