My brain says no but my pants say off.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What a dumb baby whore.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
