You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
