Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
