I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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