he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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