If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
