I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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