I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
