I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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