cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
