I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
