Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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