We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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