Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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