I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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