I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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