you would pick up someone in the library
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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