I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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