Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
