I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
