my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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