I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
