Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
