I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
