I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
