I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
