I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
