lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize