I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
