We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
