Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
