Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
