Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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