I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
