I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
