I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
