God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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