My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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