Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
