Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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