you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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