I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
