I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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