Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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