Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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