I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the day after is always just damage control
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
