my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
