its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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